Weigh in #1

I thought long and hard about whether to start at weigh in #1 again or pick up where I left off. I obviously decided to start again.
Today is day 4 on the Terri-Ann 123 Diet Plan so I had to weigh myself as soon as I got up. I lost 7lbs in 3 days. I weigh 290.9lbs.
I’m feeling a bit sluggish the past couple of days but I know it is carb/sugar withdrawal so I’m trying to battle through.

Today was the first day I’ve had the children by myself since my operation and I feel drained! Willow has had a couple of tantrums and I’ve needed to invent a ‘good and bad’ marble system for Zac as his behaviour has gotten a bit out of control. We went for a short walk to the park so they could burn off some steam and then we popped to a shop for some ice lollies as it has been so hot today. I bought myself a bottle of water and didn’t sneak any licks of the cold icy goodness. I had a diet protein shake when I got in which I am trying to learn to love. 

The children are having pasta for their dinner but for mine I’m making a Quorn bolognaise stuffed in peppers and a side of broccoli. Tomorrow is healthy chicken curry with fake rice and healthy onion bhajis! I’m looking forward to day 11 weigh in next Thursday. 

Starting again!

It’s my third day of following the Terri-Ann 123 diet plan. It’s taken a lot of will power to ditch the carbs but I know I need (and obviously I want) to do this. It’s essentially a high protein, low carb and low fat diet so lots of meat and eggs are being consumed! I’m missing sugar and going cold turkey on both carbs and sugar is leaving me feeling a bit funny.

I’m on the 10 day boost which means I need to weigh myself on the morning of day four and the morning of day 11, before starting stage 2. So that means tomorrow is weigh in number 1 (again!). I’ve also taken my measurements but I won’t be doing them again for another month. 

As predicted, due to the carbs and gall bladder recovery, I weighed more than 292.8lbs when I took my starting weight. Starting weight was 297.8lbs – yup, I gained 5 lbs while recovering. I’m not surprised due to the amount of carbs and marshmallows I ate!

966 days later …

Firstly, I am so sorry for not keeping this blog up to date. I’m not going to make excuses as I’m sure you all know life gets in the way of things. 

So, 966 days ago I was dating/’with’ the guy called Clark. I had a two year old little boy. I was living at my parents house. I was self employed as a nail technician. My weight was  267.4lbs (19 stone 1.4 pounds) or there abouts – as I got further entwined into my relationship with Clark I stopped doing as much exercise and watching what I ate.

966 days later I am still dating/’with’ the guy called Clark (this will have it’s own blog post of it’s own as our relationship is quite complicated). I have a handsome 4 year old boy and an almost 2 year old girl. I have my very own house (well, it’s rented and I live here with my two children with my own furniture and things!). I work at a big insurance company – again, more on this later. And my weight … 292.8lbs (that’s 20 stone 12.8 pounds for you English folk). For shame. 

So where to begin? Soon after my last post I found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock but Clark and I worked it through and I had a little girl in July 2014. She was a very difficult baby, the polar opposite to my boy. She screamed all the time and I had a horrendous time. I was scared to leave the house with her and I became a recluse. I lived with my parents and Clark visited occasionally (again, more on that later). I ate a lot and started suffering terribly with gall bladder attacks. In June 2015 I got a job in a care home working nights. I hated it, I was tired and grumpy all of the time. During the night shift, when I wasn’t caring for the residents, I was eating countless amounts of sugary and carb laden snacks. At this time I was almost 24 stone (336 lbs). I moved into my own place in August 2015 after an argument with my mum (which actually turned out to be the best thing ever!). The gall bladder attacks were getting worse so in August 2015 I went to see my doctor who referred me to the hospital for a scan. My gall bladder was jam packed with stones so I was then put on the waiting list for an operation to remove the pesky organ. In this time I stopped eating very fatty foods as I would suffer terribly with the pain. I ate a lot of sugar in this time – haribo and marshmallows to name a couple. I ate a lot of bread and carbs too which I know just don’t suit my body.

At this time I had quit my carer job in a spectacular fashion and was hunting for another job. I found a couple of jobs which were just means to an end. Despite still eating terribly I lost small amounts of weight without really trying. I then hit 305lbs and I just could not get below it – I tried so so hard by walking to and from work (around 30 minutes a day), I watched what I ate by cutting out bread and sugary snacks but it was no use. I then stumbled upon a news article about pre diabetes and it struck a chord with me. I wasn’t going over my calorie allowance but the weight stuck. I then adopted a high protein diet and *KABLAM* the weight came off and I got below 300lbs. 

Just over a week ago I had my gall bladder removed. This was the first time that I really felt that I was going to die because of my weight. Before going into hospital I wrote letters to my children just in case I did die. This is awfully morbid but I was terrified. Fast forward to now and I’m recovering. I’m inactive and pretty much eating what I want – still no fatty foods as my body can’t tolerate them but I imagine I will be looking at a gain when I next weigh myself.

Once I’m fully recovered I plan on following the Terri-Ann 123 Diet Plan. I’m waiting for the information to arrive in the post but I’m excited as it seems to be a high protein low carb diet which will suit me perfectly and hopefully see me shifting the podge once and for all! I’m not at the stage where I feel comfortable showing you before and after photos but stay tuned because if I do as well at this diet as I know I will, you’ll see some awesome stuff! 

Update

Wow – my last post was depressing! I’m in a bit more of a happier place now although I do seem to just be waiting for the next blow up – I’ve been warned it’ll happen.

Clark and I are still together. I’m not really sure if it’s going well or not to be totally honest – I feel like I need a relationship appraisal! Sometimes I feel like it’s going well but sometimes I think he’s a bit bored of me and just sticking about because I’m there and his best bet at the moment. That might just be me being overly paranoid though.

I’m finding working, looking after a toddler and chores all a bit much at the moment. I feel constantly frazzled and tired – I envy those mum’s who have a partner to help them with everything! Doing it all by myself gets pretty draining especially as we are now in the terrible two territory!

Ah well – onwards and upwards!!

Sad post

This is going to be such a vague post and I apologise for that in advance. I’m pretty sure if I go into details this post would never end and I’ll be sobbing even more than I am now.

Things with Clark are going increasingly rubbish. I reacted to something he told me by essentially leaving him. I tried to talk to him about it but he just wasn’t listening and I got scared. I was scared for me and my little boy and I laid awake most of the night desperately trying to think of a solution. Things with his ex aren’t good at all and I got wondering whether loving Clark really is enough to forget the complexities and just deal with it. I know our relationship can go no where and no girl likes the thought of that, especially if you really click with the guy. I’m not saying that I want wedding proposals or a promise ring – I just want the hope that in years from now there could be a possibility.

I needed promises of change to help both Clark and his daughter. I’m pretty sure it’s fallen on deaf ears though. He’s scared of the change and I understand the reasons why although he insists I don’t. My way of thinking is that he can’t know for definite what is going to happen until he takes action.

He’s absolutely exhausted too and looks so stressed – not like the Clark I met back in June. He works 10 hour days, has his daughter every night and she is waking in the night wanting biscuits and toast. To be totally frank, I think there is something more going on with him but I can’t talk to him about it. I think he’s being an ostrich and burying his head in the sand hoping that everything will get better and the reality is, it’s not. Any offers of help I give aren’t accepted and I can’t help unless he lets me.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m getting opinions from people who don’t know the full situation and I’m freaking out in case I’m implicated in something horrendous. Although I know it’s all lies and I do support and trust him – I just need protection. And all this is made 124 times worse because I get the dreaded P word next week so hormones are on red alert.

I need my nan. She’d know what to do and say to make this all okay. The short story is that I want him in my life and it seems so unfair that it’s come to this because of his crazy ex. I want this to work so so so badly but at what point do you say enough is enough?

I have my own family?!

My lack of blogging has been with reason. Not my usual lame excuses of time going too quickly but I am now self employed. I am a mobile nail and eyelash technician. I couldn’t have done it without Clark’s help. He’s built the website, helped create business cards and has answered all my stupid questions.

I wouldn’t have the confidence to do this without him. I think back to the beginning of the year, just 9 short months ago and I was just mooching along not knowing what I was doing. I had no hope, no excitement about the future and no drive. That’s all changed now. I want to work and do something I love and build a home for my little boy and I. The chances of doing that are much higher now than what they were. I’m excited about where this venture is going to take us and I can’t wait to properly get started.

My little boy is doing well. He’s had a cold and has been left with an awful cough which is giving me sleepless nights. He’s a happy little thing although now we’re getting into the ‘terrible two’ territory and it can be infuriating at times. He gives me plenty of kisses and cuddles though to make up for the bad times. I love him to the moon and back.

Things with Clark are going really well. I find it really odd how well we both ‘click’. I find it terribly easy to get on with him and love spending time together. Our Thursday night adult night still stands and we do fun stuff together and have a chance to talk and just have a break from parenthood. I think a lot of him and I feel really lucky to have someone like him in my life. We’re going to Ireland in the new year so I can meet his parents and he can finally set foot on his homeland for the first time in 10 years. I’m really looking forward to it.

His little girl is a total sweetheart. She’s a such a pretty little thing with a cheeky wee grin. My boy loves them both and chats away about them when we’re all not together. It’s as if I have a family of my own with those two around and weekends are never dull. Yesterday we walked about 5 miles along the seafront and I really enjoyed myself. It was really windy and cold but having someone there to share things and do things with makes it so much fun.

It was my birthday last week too. It was pretty uneventful and I did unfortunately get another year older. To think in 2 years I’ll be 30 is incredibly daunting. I pray I’m where I want to be by then both in my career and life in general.

Still alive!

Time just seems to be slipping through my finger tips! On one hand I’d love for it to slow down but on the other I’m excited to see what’s going to happen with the rest of my life. I feel like I’ve been really busy this past week but I have little to show for it.

I feel like I’m walking around on a cloud most of the time (or what I imagine it to feel like!). Things with Clark are still going really well and he makes me ever so happy. My family and friends say I ‘sparkle’ – I hope not like the Cullens, that would be freaky (a little Twilight reference for the twihards!). We spend weekends together with the kidlets who get on so well and then Thursdays is our adult time. I’m having a lot of fun and, although i’ve said it before, I’m really really happy. The three days a week where I don’t see Clark I miss him dreadfully. I get like a physical ache in my stomach and I almost want to wish the week away so I can see him again. I hate saying goodbye to him too after we have a fun day out all together, it sucks.

My little boy has a cold at the moment so I’m surviving off very little sleep and trying to comfort my poorly baby during the day as well as other household chores. He never has coped very well with being ill and gets terribly clingy.

My parents have been on holiday for the past couple of weeks and my brother and his fiancée went to Los Angeles too so I’ve had the house to myself for a week. I have loved it and it’s really motivated me into getting things in motion so I can get my own place. My parents have FaceTimed me everyday twice a day to check up on my boy so I haven’t even had a chance to miss them.

Clark and I are pricing up the cost for him to go back to Northern Ireland to see his parents. Can you believe he hasn’t been there for almost 10 years?! It’s going to be expensive but I really think we could do it if we figure out a savings plan. I love having things to look forward to and I actually really want to meet his parents.

A bit of a wake up call

I didn’t realise how much time had passed since my last blog entry until a kind subscriber asked if I had died. This really made me giggle – I am indeed alive! Along with time going too quickly, I didn’t really know what to blog about if I’m honest – I’m aware my blog is more of a dating blog than anything else now so I wanted to write about something else despite having a totally amazing time with Clark. However, last night something blog worthy happened so here we go …

I had a bit of a wake up call last night. I made my boy some spinach and ricotta tortellini with tomato and mascarpone sauce with broccoli. I stole two bits of pasta and had a small sprig of broccoli – that’s literally what I do for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I pick and have really small portions – unless I’m with Clark who gives me disapproving glares if I don’t eat. So for lunch yesterday I had a half slice of toast and a biscuit and for breakfast I had coffee. Not healthy and admitting it is pretty embarrassing.

Last night I felt a bit ill but I thought it was because I was tired. I went to bed but got these awful stomach pains near my rib cage on the right. My parents have gone away on a two week holiday and although my brother was at home I didn’t want to worry him so I put up with the pain hoping it would pass. It got to the point where my eyes were watering and I knew I needed some reassurance that I wasn’t dying! I’m not a wuss in the slightest, I went through labour without any pain relief, have tattoos and have had more piercings than I care to remember. I know pain and this was serious pain.

I was worried my boy would wake up and I wouldn’t be able to look after him so I rang NHS Direct. To my international subscribers it is basically a number you ring if you need medical help but don’t know where to go (doctors/hospital/A&E/walk in centre etc). So after describing the pain between breathing as if I was in labour the lady said that she thinks I should go to hospital – I protested. I didn’t want to leave my little boy, my brother has never babysat for me and had work in the morning so it didn’t seem fair. I explained my situation to the lady on the phone who told me if I started to vomit I should go to the hospital and take my boy with me. She said if the pain subsides I should go to my regular doctor as it sounds a bit like gall stones.

After hanging up and still being in considerable pain I rang my sister who came to the house. She’s going through her second pretty traumatic miscarriage at the moment so I felt awful that I had to call her. She stayed until I was a bit more comfortable and then left so I could sleep it off. I didn’t sleep though because my little one decided that 5am was a good time to wake up. Yawn!

So while he amused himself jumping on my bed, reading books and playing with toys, I turned to Google to do some research about gall stones. Basically overweight mothers are more likely to get gall stones and that the stones are formed from excess cholesterol. So my plan of action is to eat regularly and properly and eat low fat foods. It really is a wake up call because I can’t afford to go into hospital, the boy needs me and I’m enjoying my life at the moment. Plus, I really really REALLY hate hospitals – I’m a rubbish patient so it just isn’t an option.

Scared

I’ve only ever had one ‘serious’ relationship but that only lasted a little over a year. To be honest I felt pressured into the relationship. It got very intense very quickly and I felt trapped because he had mental health issues. Initially I felt sorry for the guy and then I thought I had fallen in love so I stuck with it. Now looking back, I don’t think I was but then again I’m not sure if I just told myself that so that I wasn’t as heart broken when it ended.

I have never had good experiences with guys – the first guy I ever slept with took advantage of me. I find it hard to talk about even now – I’ve wanted to tell Clark but there is no easy way of telling someone in case it alters their view of you. I would love to write about it in more detail because there is more to the story but I can’t. It’s not something that I thought effected me but in being with Clark I think it still does.

So having not had great experiences and being generally behind when it comes to relationships, I find myself at 27 (28 next month – eek!) and scared of my relationship with Clark. I’ve only known him 10/11 weeks but I really really like him for being him and although I do feel like I could tell him anything, I’m scared to. I’m sure everyone compares current relationships to past ones – I don’t feel that pressure I did before and I don’t feel like there is anything about him that I think should change. I think about him a lot and would spend all my free time with him if our situations allowed it. That scares the poo out of me which makes me go all stupid and withdraw. I also find it really hard to be enthusiastic about doing things together or talk about things we have done together because I don’t want to show how much I really am into him. I’m sure it wasn’t like this before.

Clark referred to me as his girlfriend the other day and I freaked out. I’d like to define our relationship but it scares me. I think it may be because it’s not just me I have to think about, it’s everything else too from the kidlets to our ex’s to our situations. I’m also so so scared of getting hurt. Did I think it would be this complicated before I started looking for a relationship? Honest answer is no, but then I didn’t expect to find someone I click with as much as I do with Clark. I love spending time with him, talking to him and him being a part of my life and vice versa. The four of us (Clark, his little girl, my boy and I) have so much fun together the time just slips by and then when it’s time to leave I feel sad that it has to come to an end – sort of like Christmas!!

So I guess in conclusion, I’m a great big wuss and I need to man up!

Zzzz …

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like the world is coming to an end when they are tired. I haven’t slept much since Saturday night and now it’s Thursday I feel like rubbish. I’m over thinking everything, feel and look disgusting (weighed myself this morning – wish I hadn’t) and I have some other stuff going on that is really affecting me.

Deep breaths Danni. As Yazz sang in the 80’s, ‘the only way is up, baby’.