I wrote the below when I couldn’t sleep last night and I wasn’t going to post it, but I was just thinking ‘what’s the point of that?’. This is my blog and I should be able to share my thoughts and feelings no matter what they are. So here goes.
I’ve found it really difficult to get inspiration to blog this past week. But now something has happened to make blogging worthwhile …
I have a habit of messing things up, particularly when I’m tired and hormonal. It’s almost like an out of body experience where you can see where a conversation is heading and you’re desperately trying to stop yourself from doing it but it happens anyway. Like a car crash.
I spoke to Clark last night and I don’t really know what happened but I got annoyed which I think made him angry. I hate making men angry, I’ve known some unpredictable guys and I’ve been in the firing line so I get a bit panicky if I push the wrong buttons. He told me he wasn’t angry but I still feel miserable because I feel like I’ve ruined everything. I really like him and it sucks. I haven’t heard from him today which isn’t like him but I think it’s probably best if I just leave it to him to get in touch if he wants to.
What I think is making matters worse is that I started the contraceptive pill, Micronor, a week ago and I think it’s factoring into my hormonalness and fatigue. The side effects leaflet is pretty scary (when one of the potential side effects is breast cancer I think i’m allowed to be scared!). The nurse said that I won’t know if it suits my body until I take it for 3 months – that’s 3 months of potential hormonal craziness! I just pray that I don’t gain weight on it which is really worrying me, possibly more than the cancer thing (go figure!) – I don’t want to go backwards.
On other news I’ve started applying for jobs. I’ve been thinking about doing it for a while but I think I had a bit of a kick up the bum from Clark. Not to blow my own trumpet or anything but I don’t imagine it’ll take too long to find something. I’m excited to get back out there but a bit sad that I’ll have to leave my boy. We’ve been really lucky that we’ve been able to spend so much time together and I’ve been there to watch him grow and develop into the amazing little boy he is. He really is my world, I’m a very lucky mummy.
Luffoo 