Busy weekend & insecurities

Last week was great. On Wednesday I went to the fireworks on the seafront with Clark for the second week in a row and they were just as awe inspiring as I remembered. There is such a great atmosphere there and combine that with the night sky and my favourite place on earth (the beach) I had a lot of fun.

On Thursday I had a really hectic day but was coerced into cooking for Clark in the evening. I ended up drinking a lot of wine and it ended up being drunken cooking. Having not actually cooked the meal before and that I was in someone else’s kitchen using their strange implements and oven, it went as well as it could’ve gone when you’ve had a lot to drink.

On Friday I met some of Clark’s friends who were really nice. Something my nan used to say (and what my mum says now) is that nice people have nice friends. It questions my niceness though – I honestly do think that I’m the nicest person I know and although my friends are nice to me, I know that they’re not nice to everyone. I have a lot of friends but they are dotted all over the world and due to my upbringing, I keep in touch with them via Facebook. Anyway, Friday evening we went for a meal and then walked along a different beach. It was beautiful and I felt very special. That was until I had some family problem to sort out which Clark helped to quickly resolve.

Saturday we had to go get my little boy and we took him out for the day. He is so good and makes me very proud to be his mum. We drove around for a while and ended up parking up in a lay by in Sandringham, near the Queen’s house. We were surrounded by trees and it was nice and quiet and peaceful and very green. We then got out my Trangia portable stove and cooked some hotdogs. It was a lot of fun and something really nice to do. I was in charge of the hotdogs while Clark prepared the buns and sauces. We then found a little castle and had a nose around the outside because we didn’t want to pay to have a quick look. The moats were amazing as was the view from the top.

That evening we went back to my house for a family BBQ. Clark found my family dynamics really strange but I guess when you’re used to them, they don’t seem strange anymore. Usually at family BBQs I’m left by myself to watch my little one and niece and tidy up but this time Clark played with the kidlets while I could quickly sort stuff out. It was nice to have the help. My niece is usually chronically shy around people she doesn’t know but she loved Clark – it was really shocking.

On Sunday it was time to take Clark back home as his little girl was coming back from her two weeks away with her mum. It’s only been a couple of days but I miss him a lot despite phone calls and emails and Whatsapp messages. He only lives 20 something miles away but it feels like much more sometimes. I then have to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things we haven’t known each other that long and that we both have complicated lives that makes seeing each other difficult.

Yesterday Clark shared something with me that highlighted the difficulties we have. He’s only been out of his last long term relationship 8 and a half months (two and a half of them he has known me) and he still has a very very close relationship with his ex. It’s all a bit complicated but I find it difficult to keep my mouth shut because it’s none of my business. I also don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to persuade Clark to do stuff he wouldn’t otherwise do. I try to only give an opinion if I’m asked which is working out well for the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he tells me everything and I like that he feels he can. That’s what people who are close to each other do, right?

I got a bit freaked out yesterday. I had a dream which brought an old concern to the forefront of my mind. I’m worried that I’m a rebound girl and Clark will wake up one day and see that actually he is better off with someone else and what we’re doing is just a bit of fun. I don’t think anyone has managed to get me to take my guard down and it is totally gone with Clark so I essentially tell him everything – even the totally unnecessary stuff (‘Just shaving my legs’ or ‘my PJ top smells like you’). I wonder if all these insecurities are coming out now because I’ve become even more attached to him because of the time we’ve spent together or because I am about to turn into a complete hormonal lunatic.

I was worried about confusing my little boy the other week but now I’m selfishly thinking about me. Am I ready to be crushed if this doesn’t work out?

Heat wave in the UK

In case you’re unaware, the UK is amidst a heat wave. We don’t often have a prolonged period of nice weather like this so it is a novelty. However, like your typical blue eyed, blonde haired, pale skinned British woman, I burn easily. I also get all hot and bothered if there is no breeze and I’m being active.

Exercising in this weather is brutal. I managed 30 minutes on the cross trainer and I’m not doing it again whilst it’s this hot. However, every day around lunchtime I see an old guy from my estate go for a run for an hour – I half want to chase him with a bottle of water and ask him if he’s crazy and the other half wants to join him. That is until my spell on the cross trainer – now I’d rather just watch him from my window!

Yesterday I met up with some of my mum and baby friends and we went to the beach. It was a perfect afternoon and we all really really enjoyed it, it was also nice to have a girly chat. One of my friends confided in me a few weeks ago that she was pregnant – she had her 12 week scan this week so finally told our other friends. I’m really happy for her and her husband and I’m looking forward to newborn baby cuddles – although another one of my friends is due in a couple of weeks so I’ll get some soon! Anyway, my little one loved the sea and was fearless in that he went in chest deep and wanted to go in further! I got soaked but it was good fun chasing the kiddies and splashing about. I was doing really well and putting on my factor 50 sunscreen on us both but I got side tracked and forgot my back. It is very sore and was very uncomfortable to sleep on last night. Never mind!

Diet stuff is going okay. You’ve probably noticed the lack of weigh in Wednesday this week. I’m too hot to eat which I know is sending my body into starvation mode which my metabolism isn’t thanking me for. I love to cook but in this weather when I do cook, I just don’t want to eat it. I need to hire a chef or something! I’m loving watermelon at the moment which seems to be my food staple in this heat.

Oh, and I bought a couple of bargainous dresses this week. One of which is a size 14 – it was the last one and does fit although the cut is why I could get away with a 14! I’ve got plans for wearing it within the next week or so. Here’s a picture although it doesn’t really do it justice (taking a picture of yourself in wobbly mirrors is hard!!).

30th June 2013

I’ve been meaning to blog about this for a little while but never got round to it. Last Sunday (30th June) I went to the cliff tops where my nan’s ashes were scattered. I hadn’t been there since Mother’s Day which was a couple of weeks after her funeral. It was hard then and I was expecting it to be as equally as painful.

Once I’d parked up and assembled the buggy, I took a stroll to ‘the spot’. It was a gloriously sunny day and seeing as I had bought a picnic for the boy, we sat on a bench overlooking the sea and ate. I could hear her voice in my head and the combination of the breeze, the sun and the sound of the waves made it seem a tiny bit easier. I still got a bit emotional because we used to go there together a lot and I miss her dreadfully.

After we had finished our lunch I thought the little one would like an ice cream. The beach cafe was somewhere I used to go to a lot growing up, I hadn’t been in there for a good 18-20 years I think. It’s obviously had a refurb but it was nice going in there and making new memories with my little one.

We sat next to the beach and had our ice cream (it wasn’t that great – I know my nan would’ve rather I had gone further up the beach to get a Mr Whippy!). Clark rang me around this time and it was nice but odd. I felt it odd because I was at the beach being all emotional and he rang me up out of the blue and took my mind off of it. I honestly think that had he not rang, I would’ve cried there and then.

After another stroll I then decided it was time to go home. Once I had gotten us in the car my body almost took over and I found myself parked up outside my nan’s house. It seems really morbid writing about it but it’s something I’ve felt like I had to do for a long time. That house was the house I grew up in – it’s where I went every summer holiday from school, where I learnt to roller skate, had many a Christmas dinner, grew tomatoes in the greenhouse, went to keep my nan company when I should’ve been at university and had a million more good times there. Seeing the bushes out the front all unkempt upset me, nan loved gardening and would never have let them get like that. Also not seeing her little green car in the driveway was weird and seeing different ornaments through the window made my tummy ache. I cried obviously and felt a bit cheated. That’s her house and had been since before I was born.

My nan was my world. We kept each other company, could talk to each other about anything. She was one of those older ladies who got away with saying anything she wanted. Everyone adored her, strangers used to like talking to her and I loved (love?) her. It’s not fair. It makes my tummy ache thinking that I’m never ever going to see her again. The last time I saw her was in the funeral parlour and she felt like a piece of marble, all frozen and hard. The last time I saw her alive was on 17th December, 9 days before we were told that there was nothing they could do to save her.

I miss her so much.