Busy weekend & insecurities

Last week was great. On Wednesday I went to the fireworks on the seafront with Clark for the second week in a row and they were just as awe inspiring as I remembered. There is such a great atmosphere there and combine that with the night sky and my favourite place on earth (the beach) I had a lot of fun.

On Thursday I had a really hectic day but was coerced into cooking for Clark in the evening. I ended up drinking a lot of wine and it ended up being drunken cooking. Having not actually cooked the meal before and that I was in someone else’s kitchen using their strange implements and oven, it went as well as it could’ve gone when you’ve had a lot to drink.

On Friday I met some of Clark’s friends who were really nice. Something my nan used to say (and what my mum says now) is that nice people have nice friends. It questions my niceness though – I honestly do think that I’m the nicest person I know and although my friends are nice to me, I know that they’re not nice to everyone. I have a lot of friends but they are dotted all over the world and due to my upbringing, I keep in touch with them via Facebook. Anyway, Friday evening we went for a meal and then walked along a different beach. It was beautiful and I felt very special. That was until I had some family problem to sort out which Clark helped to quickly resolve.

Saturday we had to go get my little boy and we took him out for the day. He is so good and makes me very proud to be his mum. We drove around for a while and ended up parking up in a lay by in Sandringham, near the Queen’s house. We were surrounded by trees and it was nice and quiet and peaceful and very green. We then got out my Trangia portable stove and cooked some hotdogs. It was a lot of fun and something really nice to do. I was in charge of the hotdogs while Clark prepared the buns and sauces. We then found a little castle and had a nose around the outside because we didn’t want to pay to have a quick look. The moats were amazing as was the view from the top.

That evening we went back to my house for a family BBQ. Clark found my family dynamics really strange but I guess when you’re used to them, they don’t seem strange anymore. Usually at family BBQs I’m left by myself to watch my little one and niece and tidy up but this time Clark played with the kidlets while I could quickly sort stuff out. It was nice to have the help. My niece is usually chronically shy around people she doesn’t know but she loved Clark – it was really shocking.

On Sunday it was time to take Clark back home as his little girl was coming back from her two weeks away with her mum. It’s only been a couple of days but I miss him a lot despite phone calls and emails and Whatsapp messages. He only lives 20 something miles away but it feels like much more sometimes. I then have to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things we haven’t known each other that long and that we both have complicated lives that makes seeing each other difficult.

Yesterday Clark shared something with me that highlighted the difficulties we have. He’s only been out of his last long term relationship 8 and a half months (two and a half of them he has known me) and he still has a very very close relationship with his ex. It’s all a bit complicated but I find it difficult to keep my mouth shut because it’s none of my business. I also don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to persuade Clark to do stuff he wouldn’t otherwise do. I try to only give an opinion if I’m asked which is working out well for the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he tells me everything and I like that he feels he can. That’s what people who are close to each other do, right?

I got a bit freaked out yesterday. I had a dream which brought an old concern to the forefront of my mind. I’m worried that I’m a rebound girl and Clark will wake up one day and see that actually he is better off with someone else and what we’re doing is just a bit of fun. I don’t think anyone has managed to get me to take my guard down and it is totally gone with Clark so I essentially tell him everything – even the totally unnecessary stuff (‘Just shaving my legs’ or ‘my PJ top smells like you’). I wonder if all these insecurities are coming out now because I’ve become even more attached to him because of the time we’ve spent together or because I am about to turn into a complete hormonal lunatic.

I was worried about confusing my little boy the other week but now I’m selfishly thinking about me. Am I ready to be crushed if this doesn’t work out?

Last week

I had the best week last week. I spent a lot of time with Clark and my little boy and I really enjoyed every single second.

We went to the coast on Saturday and I tried my first fresh crab which was yummy. Clark stayed the night at mine and I made an awful dinner for him – I won’t mention what I cooked/ate but it involved a lot of junk and no vegetables. Bad Danni. Next time I cook for him I’m going to plan it properly and make something amazing and delicious and nutritious to prove that I can cook. My attempts so far haven’t shown off my skills at all. On Sunday while we were watching TV Clark told me he likes me a lot which made me feel all fuzzy inside. The feeling is mutual, I honestly didn’t think I would find someone I click with as much as I do with Clark. I know it’s only been a couple of months but I feel like we’re taking it at a sensible speed.

Sunday we went to the park with the boy and then went on to feed the ducks at a beautiful lake. It’s really pretty – here’s a picture.

For dinner we went to an American diner which was lovely. Then all too soon it was time for Clark to go home.

I usually stay at Clark’s house once a week and my parents usually babysit for me. I don’t know what happened but yesterday morning they said that this may not be possible going forward and that if I want to stay over night again then I should take my boy with me. This is where I feel uncomfortable – not in that my boy shouldn’t sleep at Clark’s because of any issue I have but because it’s not my bloomin’ house so to expect this is rude! I’ve never expected anything from Clark and I love the little things he does for my boy and I and I feel like this past weekend he went over and above and helped me out a lot. I must admit I feel funny about it – it’s nice to have the help but on the other hand I feel bad because he’s my boy and Clark shouldn’t have to help me. I’m not even sure if that makes sense!

Anyway, a few hours later I was told it was no problem if I wanted a babysitter for two nights this weekend. A total turn around! I don’t like all this to-ing and fro-ing – I know they are the best people to look after the boy but half of me is just peed off that things can’t be simpler. I don’t want to be a burden to my parents and I certainly don’t want them to feel like they have to look after my boy – he’s my responsibility. After this weekend I feel like I’m not going to be able to ask them to babysit anymore which means I probably won’t get to stay around Clark’s. I guess we’ll see though. I just want to enjoy the here the now and thank my lucky stars for what I do have.

Update

I have viral tonsillitis at the moment so eating and drinking is even more of a task than usual. I’ve only had an ice lolly to eat today but I ate a lot yesterday so it’s equaling it all out. I’m hovering between 267lb and 270lbs so I’m maintaining (not exactly ideal but better than gaining!). Once I’m better and life has slowed down I want to start running again. That’s something to look forward to.

On other news, yesterday my little boy and I spent the day with Clark as his little girl has gone to visit her mum’s family. We had a lovely day exploring and driving around in the beautiful countryside and coastal roads. It was fun. The whole day he helped me and treated my boy like my family does and it was quite touching.

My boy has really taken to Clark much more than I thought he would. He is a really sociable little chap anyway but he’s only met him a couple of times. This morning he woke up and I brought him into my room and he said ‘Clarky gone’ and started crying/whining – I think it was because he was there when he went to bed and had obviously gone by the morning. The pessimistic side of me is panicking that he has got too attached too soon – if it all goes wrong how confused is he going to be? It’s a scary thought.

Things with Clark are going well. When we’re together time goes too fast and when we’re apart I miss him a lot and time drags. I came to the realisation yesterday that I trust him implicitly which is crazy. I’ve only known him a couple of months for goodness sake. When we were out I went to the loo and left my littleun with him – I’ve never done that before, not even with friends. I’m working on being an open book with him – I just find it so so hard. Man up Danni!

Curse of a guilty single mum

I got a bit annoyed yesterday but now I feel bad for feeling that way. Let me explain …

As you already know, I am a single mum. I don’t know if it’s obvious or whether I’ve mentioned it somewhere here before but I literally do everything for my little boy. I care for him 24/7 and don’t have time away from him (or didn’t before meeting Clark). My ex sees him for around an hour a week but doesn’t do anything with him or for him. I started thinking about how my life was before falling pregnant in that I could go out and do what I wanted when I wanted to without having to plan or consider other people’s plans. I got annoyed that my ex doesn’t have to take any of that into consideration, he can go do as he pleases without a second thought. I’m not saying I would change things because I am so so lucky to have my little one but I just felt a bit sad that I’m not able to do what I want to do or plan things without involving others.

I have major issues when asking people for help in that I hate doing it – even if it’s something super simple. I’ve always been really strong and independent. Growing up I’ve looked after my mum, dad, sister and brother and have felt like I’m the ‘rock’ and should be able to cope and do everything for myself and others. Anyway, since I’ve had the boy I’ve been of the mindset that I got myself into this situation so I should be able to do everything myself. It worked up until a couple of months ago in that I was always at home so I didn’t need to ask anyone to babysit. My parents are happy most of the time to look after my boy on the odd night but I can’t help but feel that they’ve bought up their kids and shouldn’t have to deal with mine, especially as they both work full time.

I must sound really ungrateful with the help I do get and I feel guilty that I’m starting to want to spend less than 24/7 with my little boy. I know there are parents out there who would want to spend 24 hours a day with their kids but aren’t able to. He really is my everything and I love him more than I could ever express. These conflicting thoughts really confuse me and make me feel like I’m being a rubbish mum. Everyone says that the main thing is that he is happy – but if I mess up this parenting business it all falls back to me and only me and that is a scary thought.

Maybe I’m thinking about this too much. Or maybe I am a crazy lady. Answers on a postcard please!

Sad :(

I wrote the below when I couldn’t sleep last night and I wasn’t going to post it, but I was just thinking ‘what’s the point of that?’. This is my blog and I should be able to share my thoughts and feelings no matter what they are. So here goes.

I’ve found it really difficult to get inspiration to blog this past week. But now something has happened to make blogging worthwhile …

I have a habit of messing things up, particularly when I’m tired and hormonal. It’s almost like an out of body experience where you can see where a conversation is heading and you’re desperately trying to stop yourself from doing it but it happens anyway. Like a car crash.

I spoke to Clark last night and I don’t really know what happened but I got annoyed which I think made him angry. I hate making men angry, I’ve known some unpredictable guys and I’ve been in the firing line so I get a bit panicky if I push the wrong buttons. He told me he wasn’t angry but I still feel miserable because I feel like I’ve ruined everything. I really like him and it sucks. I haven’t heard from him today which isn’t like him but I think it’s probably best if I just leave it to him to get in touch if he wants to.

What I think is making matters worse is that I started the contraceptive pill, Micronor, a week ago and I think it’s factoring into my hormonalness and fatigue. The side effects leaflet is pretty scary (when one of the potential side effects is breast cancer I think i’m allowed to be scared!). The nurse said that I won’t know if it suits my body until I take it for 3 months – that’s 3 months of potential hormonal craziness! I just pray that I don’t gain weight on it which is really worrying me, possibly more than the cancer thing (go figure!) – I don’t want to go backwards.

On other news I’ve started applying for jobs. I’ve been thinking about doing it for a while but I think I had a bit of a kick up the bum from Clark. Not to blow my own trumpet or anything but I don’t imagine it’ll take too long to find something. I’m excited to get back out there but a bit sad that I’ll have to leave my boy. We’ve been really lucky that we’ve been able to spend so much time together and I’ve been there to watch him grow and develop into the amazing little boy he is. He really is my world, I’m a very lucky mummy.

Date #7 – the big one

We got back from our over night date/trip away last night and I had the best time. Despite only knowing Clark for 6 weeks, spending so much time together went really well. I feel sad that it’s now all over but I’m looking forward to having more adventures with him at some point. He was a very good car companion and I felt really looked after the whole time we were away. It was easy to just unwind and not think so much which I’ve rarely done before.

The car journey actually ended up taking a lot longer than originally planned due to the satnav taking us on strange little roads. Clark’s sister and brother in law are the nicest people and despite being nervy about meeting her, she put me right at ease. We all had dinner together and went to a few bars – I don’t handle my alcohol very well so I caused myself a fair bit of embarrassment.

On our way back Clark met my parents and that went sickeningly well too.

So, things that I have learnt from this trip:
1. I can talk to Clark about anything
2. Don’t drink with people who can handle their booze well unless you are prepared for the constant ribbing the next day
3. Ignore the satnav – follow your own sense of direction (and the signs)
4. My little boy is fine without me (sob)
5. I’m genuinely super happy
6. Stop being so bloomin’ suspicious.

Date #6

It had been over a week since I last saw Clark and I had missed him a lot despite almost daily phone calls. I picked him up from work and when I saw him I tried my hardest not to smile too manically.

I don’t want to bore all my subscribers with what we did but it was a really lovely night. He makes me laugh and smile a lot and is really considerate and … lovely. That’s a rubbish word to describe him but I can’t quite think of a suitable one at the moment. I really enjoy spending my time with him and talking to him. Before seeing him yesterday I had felt a bit distant from him but the evening made me feel much closer to him. We went for a walk on the beach which I loved, here’s a (bad) picture.

We’re going on a 4 hour drive on Friday and are staying overnight in a hotel which I’m excited about. I’m also meeting Clark’s sister which I’m incredibly nervous about and it’ll also be the first time I’ve properly left my little boy which is adding to the trepidation. It’ll be nice to spend time with Clark although it’ll suck when it’s all over. On the way back I’m introducing Clark to my parents. The poor guy says he’s nervous but I know he’ll win everyone over.

Weigh in Wednesdays will be back once this heatwave has passed. I live in a city and it’s unbearable!

Heat wave in the UK

In case you’re unaware, the UK is amidst a heat wave. We don’t often have a prolonged period of nice weather like this so it is a novelty. However, like your typical blue eyed, blonde haired, pale skinned British woman, I burn easily. I also get all hot and bothered if there is no breeze and I’m being active.

Exercising in this weather is brutal. I managed 30 minutes on the cross trainer and I’m not doing it again whilst it’s this hot. However, every day around lunchtime I see an old guy from my estate go for a run for an hour – I half want to chase him with a bottle of water and ask him if he’s crazy and the other half wants to join him. That is until my spell on the cross trainer – now I’d rather just watch him from my window!

Yesterday I met up with some of my mum and baby friends and we went to the beach. It was a perfect afternoon and we all really really enjoyed it, it was also nice to have a girly chat. One of my friends confided in me a few weeks ago that she was pregnant – she had her 12 week scan this week so finally told our other friends. I’m really happy for her and her husband and I’m looking forward to newborn baby cuddles – although another one of my friends is due in a couple of weeks so I’ll get some soon! Anyway, my little one loved the sea and was fearless in that he went in chest deep and wanted to go in further! I got soaked but it was good fun chasing the kiddies and splashing about. I was doing really well and putting on my factor 50 sunscreen on us both but I got side tracked and forgot my back. It is very sore and was very uncomfortable to sleep on last night. Never mind!

Diet stuff is going okay. You’ve probably noticed the lack of weigh in Wednesday this week. I’m too hot to eat which I know is sending my body into starvation mode which my metabolism isn’t thanking me for. I love to cook but in this weather when I do cook, I just don’t want to eat it. I need to hire a chef or something! I’m loving watermelon at the moment which seems to be my food staple in this heat.

Oh, and I bought a couple of bargainous dresses this week. One of which is a size 14 – it was the last one and does fit although the cut is why I could get away with a 14! I’ve got plans for wearing it within the next week or so. Here’s a picture although it doesn’t really do it justice (taking a picture of yourself in wobbly mirrors is hard!!).

Update and schtuff

I’m lacking inspiration for pretty much everything. My diet isn’t going to plan, it’s too hot, I haven’t been sleeping well and I keep letting little things effect me. I wasn’t like this a couple of weeks ago and I can’t say for 100% certainty why things have changed.

I had a heart to heart with my mum. Sometimes our relationship can be seen as a bit rocky but we both love each other to bits. I was concerned that she wasn’t happy with what I was doing with my life, or that I was dating even. It turns out I was misreading all the signs. She’s happy that I’m happy but is being a mum and worried that I’m going to end up getting hurt again. She is glad I’m going out again and have someone to talk to. She also misses her mum a lot.

My little boy is doing really well. I’m so so proud of him, he amazes me everyday. He is enjoying the summer and the fact that he can soak me in the paddling pool and also the ice creams and lollies! He is such a funny little thing and loves chatting away to everyone. His favourite fruits at the moment are strawberries and watermelon and he loves running around the garden with me chasing him. When we go to the park he always goes to the slide first and gets me to go on it too.

I’m meant to be going to Leeds at the end of next week with Clark and I’m being overly anxious about everything. I think it’s probably because of how it was when we last saw each other and because I’m pretty sure we’re not going to see each other between now and then – it makes me feel uncomfortable. I never used to be like this, I think motherhood has turned me into a nervous wreck! My sister always used to say that I was the spontaneous one out of the three of us and that she was jealous I could just do whatever I wanted when I wanted without thinking about the consequences. I miss doing that too. I used to just have to think about myself but now every single thing I do somehow effects my little boy. Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to spending some time with Clark and meeting his sister, I just hope it goes really well. We’ve been lucky so far in that everything has gone better than expected but could this be the point where I majorly mess up?! Also we’ve never spent a prolonged period of time together. I can’t help but get the feeling that this is a ‘make it or break it’ type trip. Family are important to both of us and dating someone your family doesn’t like isn’t easy.

However, in saying all this, I am heeding my nan’s favourite piece of advice, which is ‘if it’s meant to be, then it will be’. I don’t know what is going to happen even a few days from now. I just need to enjoy the here and now like that quote in my ‘happiness’ post and try to summon a bit of that carefree Danni back.

New Years resolution update

When 2013 rolled in I made some new years resolutions. As 6 months has passed I’d like to do a little recap to show progress.

1. Start going to church again

This is a difficult one. I was going to and then my nan died which made me angry. Her funeral was held in the crematorium although it very much looked and felt like a church. Since then I haven’t been able to go one. That doesn’t mean to say I’ve become an Atheist because I haven’t. I still don’t understand why she was taken away from me and also the wound is too fresh at the moment. 😦

2. Go to more mother and baby groups

I’ve been meeting up with some amazing friends once a week with our kids since my littleun was about 2 months old. I stopped going for a little while in 2012 but have been seeing these mummies almost every week this year. I haven’t ventured to any other groups purely because I don’t seem to have time!

3. Look after myself (2012 was definitely the year I let myself go!)

2012 wasn’t a very good year for me. I was struggling with postnatal depression and felt like I had lost who I was. I was a feeding, burping, nappy changing machine who ran on very very little sleep as well. This is where I gained a lot of weight and where I just didn’t make an effort with my appearance. I’m not overly vain but I do like to look nice, wear nice clothes and wear a bit of makeup. I’ve obviously lost a lot of weight and will continue to do so.

4. Go out and socialise more without my littleun

I’ve mentioned on here in the past that I used to cling on to my little boy as an excuse for how I looked. I really wanted to get out of that this year and go out more and do things that I used to do, like go for a meal and a drink or go to the cinema or just dance because I felt like it. I’m much better at this and now I don’t mind my littleun being away from me. We haven’t had that much time apart, just an hour or two. When I go out in the evenings he tends to be on his way to bed so he doesn’t miss me. To be totally honest it’s nice to have a little break – I sometimes feel like I wouldn’t mind a bit more time away from him. I think he quite likes being spoilt by his nanny and grandad too! I’ve often thought about just booking a couple of nights in a hotel by myself so I can just relax and not have to think about another person as well as myself. I would also love to have a lie in, it’s been years since I had one of those.

I’m also going to add a couple of mid year resolutions into the mix.

5. Take my guard down and trust people more

6. Don’t worry or over think little things and believe that what is meant to be, will be.